I Think It's Time for a New Post on Here

I haven't slept well these last few nights. As a result, I've had a lot of thinking time. So, in my darkened room, I sit, covered in blankets, legs crossed, music playing, and going over the last 6 years of my life. In that time, I think I've come to a very important- and very depressing- conclusion: I don't want to be happy.

Looking back over the last 6 years, one thing rose to prominence. I realized that, in lieu of allowing myself to be happy for an extended time, I subconsciously sabotage almost everything that could make me content. From relationships to events to achievements, I never allow myself to be happy. I initially rejected metal as banal, bland, and worthless, and if you know me you know that that my discovery of metal is the turning point in my life. It changed who I am and will stay with me until I die.

I've asked myself "Why?" many times over the last few nights, and have yet to come up with a solution. Hopefully one will come soon, because I don't think my body can take another night of fitful and shallow sleep.